


To trust no one

by Harif



Series: Eradicating [1]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Falling In Love, LGBTQ Character, Legate - Freeform, M/M, gay relationship, iconoclasm, onomatophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 11:21:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6004036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harif/pseuds/Harif
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“This old man, he plays nine</i><br/><i>He plays knick knack on my spine</i><br/><i>With a knick knack paddywhack</i><br/><i>Give a dog a bone</i><br/><i>This old man comes rolling home”.</i><br/>(Part of an old nursery rhyme)<br/>Very very disturbingly mimicking how Republic and Empire manipulate the implant in your spine,<br/>and how Ardun Kothe... did more than play your spine.</p><p>Cipher Nine, Legate, and part of the most memorable events in the Imperial Agent storyline.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To trust no one

**Author's Note:**

> **Spoiler for one of the possible endings of Chapter 3 of the Imperial Agent storyline >**  
> This series does not follow the storyline, it does start at the end of Chapter 3 (the epilogue) up to Chapter whatever of KotFE. What I will try to do, is let everyone involved face the consequences of their choices. And what choices do they make in the future, how it will influence them throughout the remainder of the game.

_"Living a lie… it festers inside you, like poison. You have to fight for what’s in your heart”_ (Dorian Pavus)

*

It is over, Hunter at your feet, a humble heap of psychopath... you lift your rifle to finish it, make an end to this torturers life. And then he lifts a hand and whispers, begs, for a minute so he can show you something.

And despite your grief and anger and furious hate, you grant him this minute.

And he is a woman.

You fall on your knees and just stare. This pathetic last minute. How she declares her love for you, her admiration. You feel sick.

And you want to kill him, it would have felt right. You want to wipe that smug look off his psychopathic face. Only he doesn’t look smug at all, he looks as vulnerable as you. You do not want to see this vulnerability, because it means he is human after all.

And you cry because Hunter shows you his humanity. Because there is love in his eyes, perhaps it has always been there, but you hadn’t seen it; because you could never love him back; because despite this moment of vulnerability Hunter is everything he wasn’t earlier; because he is a woman; because of his betrayal.

And you scream your agony out into the room, again and again, the sound reverberating, bouncing off the walls. Because why of all people does it have to be Hunter who understands about the guilt because of the thousands who died to the Eradicators; who understands about the pain of having no identity, of losing your identity; who understands how deep loneliness permeates in all layers of being; who understands.

And despite yourself you kneel down beside her, and against everything that is you, you kiss her. And you take her head in your lap, and shush her and whisper words to make it easier. She suddenly seems so small, a slip of a thing. The cold of the room creeping up into you, in her. She is so cold, you close her eyes and cry.

And you know now, you know what you already knew in your heart of hearts but didn’t let come too close: It were them, your own people, your own Empire who did this to you. And you know the Republic have only grown the seed the Empire planted.

And you cry for Hunter, for Watcher X, for Watcher Two, for Vector, for yourself, for all the unknown others suffering the same fate. For everyone whose integrity they have compromised, whose very private being they have altered.

And you make your decision.

*

_“Perhaps it would be different if you had been a woman” , your lover had said, and:_

_“_ _I don’t love you, it was just for sex”._

_In those two hateful lines he had negated everything you and he had ever had together, denied his own sexuality, and degraded yours. According to him suddenly a man loving a man was a shameful thing, it had to be denied, it had to stay hidden, it had to be erased from existence._

_But you remember how he had whispered sweet little things in your ear, those little nothings that made you happy, those small utterings only lovers speak out loud._

*

You sit next to Ardun Kothe, exhausted and sad. Looking at Hunter’s crumpled form, your hand still resting on her head.

Ardun has an unspoken question on his lips. Without further thinking, without the slightest sliver of a doubt, you hand him the Black Codex. He looks surprised, happy. He stays there, absentmindedly scratching his hair: “Legate, I do not know if it helps, or anything. It all sounds so...”, he says, “But I want you to know that you made me a different man, a better man. I want to thank you”. You reply "We talked about this on Quesh. I have made terrible mistakes. I have killed thousands to save millions, but those thousands weigh like trillions on my shoulders. You made terrible mistakes, but neither of us is a monster, or should have to die". 

You gesture to Vector. He places a protective hand on your shoulder, nods to Ardun, and then silently moves away.

You move a little closer to Ardun, he doesn’t flinch, he looks at you with fondness.

“My name is not Legate, nor Cipher Nine”, you say, “my name is Azarsa”, you can hear you sound proud.

“I want to defect and join the SIS”, you hear yourself say, and it doesn’t even surprise you. “I want to be your double agent. I have no doubts. I want to be in a team where people care for each other.”. He takes your hand and nods: “I hoped you would. You are so very welcome. This time we will do it right, no more deceit. No code names, no keywords, no poison, no implants. Please travel back with me and I will arrange everything”.

You nod, and then add: "I must admit the code name Legate has a certain appeal to it: it representing a being that is good at heart..." He suddenly chuckles and says: "So you DID check up on Sabacc after all". "I did," you smile.

And then you lean into him, and kiss him on his lips. His eyes open wide in surprise, but he answers your kiss, he does not pull away, does not hesitate, there is no shame. It is a gentle, loving kiss. You wrap your arms around him and hold him for a little while. And he does not move out of the embrace, he finds no excuse, he has no words to stop it, he merely smiles at you.

And after a little while you both leave the room without looking back.

It is just the promise of something, nothing more, just a promise.

Sometimes a promise is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes a game blows you away on so many levels it sends you spinning. Sometimes it is not just one game, but two games the same time. They can explode twice too close to home. I am talking here about Dragon Age: Inquisition and then specifically romancing Dorian Pavus, and Star Wars: The Old Republic and then specifically the Imperial Agent storyline, parts of both games are for me intertwined…
> 
> The deceit on so many levels, the self-negation, the double-natured-ness, the poison (literally and figuratively), the homophobia, the onomatophobia.
> 
> I knew that one day I would have to write a fic about this. I chose to do it from Cipher Nine’s point of view, so many fics have been written about and for Dorian, and so incredibly good sometimes, that I am not going to try and add one. Cipher Nine needs some love.


End file.
